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#918414 +(227)- [X] digicow: I'm gonna train my children to say sudo instead of please
#918366 +(172)- [X] <sje46> I avoid sex the same way I avoid bullets
<sje46> I haven't had the chance to
#918303 +(244)- [X] <L-dawg> lol, I was 10 years old and figured out how sex works from the electronic coupling naming convention
<L-dawg> damn electrical engineers
#918246 +(-114)- [X] <~Danke> trolling or not you can't expect me to link me to furry porn and say "oh VoiDeD, that's good that you've found something you're interested in"
#917649 +(21)- [X] <blaxthos> sarah palin has issued a statement of condolence regarding the recent earthquake in chili, and stated her concern for potential price-gouging of baby back ribs
#917561 +(568)- [X] <Rei> What's Microsoft Works?
<K> An oxymoron.
#917215 +(561)- [X] AxelDesade: Good god, I need a life.
Colty: Why's that?
AxelDesade: I was entertained for over an hour today by refreshing a captcha until it said something funny or made a cool band name.
#916932 +(1546)- [X] <ChaosTeacup> playing fucking?
<ChaosTeacup> fucking isnt a game, its a very very serious sport
<Chiri> it can be quite competitive
<ChaosTeacup> although its best if you end in a draw
<Chiri> but the professional leagues aren't very respected as a career path
<ChaosTeacup> its best to play in the minors
<ChaosTeacup> wait
<ChaosTeacup> no
#916740 +(1380)- [X] <prote> apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
#916582 +(1065)- [X] (omfg): whats the most sensitive part of a persons body when they are masturbating ?
(TypoKing): idk
(omfg): their ears
(omfg): listening for ppl coming home
#916519 +(1289)- [X] <Velkyr> Why is it when your wife or girlfriend gets pregnant, all her friends rub her belly and say "congratulations!"
<Velkyr> But nobody rubs your dick and says "Good Job"?
#916256 +(-375)- [X] <Orang> Dude, this is weird, I just put an apple next to my Mac and it made a weird noise without me touching anything.
<Joshtrap> My PC does the same thing when I take a shit by it.
#916238 +(259)- [X] <Papabear> "keep out, i'm naked" is a bad thing to hear when you knock at your 12 year old sisters room, trying to get your notebook back
<Papabear> worse is if the answer is the same 20 min after
<Old> Worst is if ya find an entry for stickam in ya history afterwards
#916080 +(521)- [X] <SaxxonPike> Had some crazy kid running around flailing his arms around come up to me and shout "GUESS WHAT! I'M ONE IN A MILLION!"
<SaxxonPike> One million is a small portion of the world population. So I shouted back "THAT MEANS THERE'S ABOUT 7,000 MORE OF YOU HYPER FUCKS RUNNING AROUND"
#916079 +(627)- [X] Takargi: Perfect weekend for me. Liverpool beat the Bitters with 10 men, England win at Rugby and Freddie's first words are Daddie ;)
Takargi: Freddie was looking at the milkman at the time though which is worrying...
#915822 +(247)- [X] <derp>I'm pretty sure bash moderators just ctrl-f every quote for "penis, sex, masturbate, bash, nigger," and anything that doesn't generate a hit is rejected. They probably have an automated script, in fact.
#915759 +(-362)- [X] <Alex> I come in from a night out, pissed. And suddenly I turn into Gordon Ramsay
#915703 +(1280)- [X] <Dakara> what's the name of that disease when you can't stop masturbating?
<amaury> the Y chromosome
#915530 +(508)- [X] <Asday> Hey, the amount of bash quotes has gone down...
<iddo> ?
<Asday> Was 20720. Now it's 20718.
<iddo> could you have less of a life?
<Asday> I try.
#915082 +(2393)- [X] <t0mato> anyone here knows how fast will my computer run after a registry cleaning?
<x5ga> We have a formula to calculate the percentage of speed gained
<x5ga> (E*c/100)*a
<x5ga> E is the number of errors cleaned
<x5ga> c is the number of cores your CPU has
<x5ga> a is 0
#914686 +(-29)- [X] <blaxthos> I AM RECOMMENDING WE REPLACE "CASUAL FRIDAYS" WITH "ALL CAPS FRIDAYS" AT WORK
#914637 +(-491)- [X] WS-R| SmileyFaceOfAwesome: pro tip don't use photoshop when you could get the same effect in pain
WS-R| SmileyFaceOfAwesome: t
Bobv2: How do you draw while in pain?
WS-R| SmileyFaceOfAwesome: MS PAINT
Bobv2: THATSTHEJOKEFGT.JPG
WS-R| SmileyFaceOfAwesome: OPEN FILE ASIANPENIS.JPG: FILE IS EITHER TOO SMALL OR CORRUPT TO BE RUN:
Bobv2: ...
Bobv2: words cannot describe the win
#914636 +(764)- [X] <Roderick> the book I am reading, You Shall Know Our Velocity!, is one of those books you can't rush
<ninda42> is the subtitle for that book But you Shall never know our Position! ?
#914496 +(370)- [X] <addendum> !down KorMc
<spodbeet> KorMc (X.X.X.X) Dling "TL.iso" 4GB out of 7Gb at 10 Mbps
<addendum> DAYNG
* gnork orgasms
<gorb> holy shit man, how do you get that?
<gorb> i thought you live in the countryside
<KorMc> i do
<addendum> what the HELL man?
<KorMc> you know the dude who opened the diner next to me?
<bangalore> Peter somethingsome?
<KorMc> yeah him
<KorMc> he got cable for some god-forsaken reason
<KorMc> so i's stealin' from him
<gnork> how the hell did he not catch you yet
<KorMc> the guy knows nothing about computors
<KorMc> So he hired me to "calculate the injectors and administrate the whatevers"
#914350 +(1124)- [X] <Travis> Why don't you just keep your hair brown?
<Alex> It's not brown
<Alex> It's auburn
<Travis> What the fuck is Auburn?
<Alex> ...
<Rex> He's a guy, he only sees like 10 colours or something, don't do this to him.
#914142 +(31)- [X] *** pipes changed the topic of kiwicon to: - Kiwicon marketing
department back in action!
< rauc> good topic
< pipes> many people in here will know what that means ;)
< rauc> ok...I do not really know what it means, but I am glad to see
Kiwicon run again. Let me know if I can help
< pipes> rauc: first time we did kiwicon
< pipes> no one wrote any stories
< pipes> so we wrote our own
< pipes> and kind of xss'd em into major news sites
#913842 +(-674)- [X] T: that Haitian earthquake is a bad one
T: even the Presidential Palace was destroyed
c: Yeah, nothing was left but two wheels and an axle
#913674 +(1242)- [X] <@loans> what client are you using
<sessilenomad> IRC...
<@loans> that's not a client
<sessilenomad> idk what client im using then
<@loans> that's like me asking 'what ISP are you using' and you saying 'internet explorer'
<sessilenomad> ooooh
<sessilenomad> firefox
#913498 +(1604)- [X] <Fattie> I'm fuckin hungry gonna go make some food
<Fattie> if I DC call 911, I probably burned down the kitchen
<[FKU]Greycloak> "Hello? 911? I'd like to report a fire at 74.12.122.225"
#913014 +(618)- [X] <blaxthos> this just in
<blaxthos> waiting on long sql queries < *
<beakman> write better queries.
<beakman> :D
<loon> OH SNAP
<loon> point - beakman
<blaxthos> deleting 17million rows takes a long time no matter how you slice it
<loon> finally removing all the racist quotes on bash.org?
#912262 +(727)- [X] Chris: well, I only watched Twilight once, so it doesn't really count.
Mr. Mann: Oh?
Chris: 1st time doesn't count, 2nd means you're curious, 3rd time and after means you're a faggot.
Chris: my uncle said that
Chris: but I think he was talking about buttsex
Mr. Mann: So basically the same thing ;)
#912101 +(2441)- [X] x-c0n: Dude I was so drunk last night.. apparently this girl said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered, "Simba".
#912051 +(556)- [X] Jorja: i once saw a building with the '404' number and it was shut down
Jorja: i laughed
#911246 +(1604)- [X] <cirrhosis> GODDAMN IT TO FUCKING HELL
<cirrhosis> WTF....MAN, I OUGHTTA JUST GO FUCKING SHOOT MYSELF
<cirrhosis> jesus fucking christ
<dolph72> ?
<cirrhosis> wife just told me she's prego
<dolph72> Dont shoot yourself
<dolph72> Shoot the asshole that did it
#911227 +(672)- [X] <Computer> this weekend i learned that one of my had-been best friends has become clinically insane
<Computer> talking to her was one of the more disturbing experiences i have had in a long time
<Computer> i went home that night and was too depressed to come outside again
<Mousey> is she single?
#910226 +(356)- [X] <HNS> Sometimes I wish my mind wasn't so quick to racist thoughts. I saw a group of about 7 black people at Taco Bell and my first thought was "KFC is that way."
#910103 +(1635)- [X] coke420: Woo! Just reached lvl 60 on a 3rd character for WoW!
LexaDead: Great timing on that, I was just looking for a virgin to sacrifice.
#910098 +(498)- [X] <Pahricida> and I never want to get rickrolled again by my alarm clock
<Linds-inClass> ROFL
<Linds-inClass> radio clock?
<Pahricida> yeah
<Linds-inClass> hahaha
<Pahricida> it woke me up with a rickroll
<Linds-inClass> that is pure awesome
<Linds-inClass> XD
<Pahricida> :S
<Pahricida> not if it happens to you
<Pahricida> you're like
<Pahricida> ztZZzzZzz
<Pahricida> "NEVER GONNA GIVE YOU UP NEVER GONNA LET YOU DOOOOOOOOOWN!"
<Pahricida> "AH SHUT THE FUCK UP"
#910094 +(359)- [X] <mitkok> Hey, guys. Is there an easy way to split an array of 100 integers for example and write 3 numbers per line separated by whitespace into a file ?
<Izhido> #include "realeasyfunctions.h" / Split100intArrayWrite3xLineWithWhitespaceInto(FILE* f);
#910091 +(594)- [X] <+Qaizar> damn, i just can't win an argument with my girlfriend
<@foD> There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
#910034 +(1544)- [X] <popemichael> I'm thinking about drinking a little tonight too. It might make my pain pills work better.
<jamie> Isn't there a "do not take with alcohol" warning on your pill bottle?
<popemichael> It's okay, I took it off.
#909853 +(2703)- [X] Crimson_Judas: I overheard this chick at lunch talking to a friend
Crimson_Judas: About how she had to terminate her pregnancy when she was young, and now that she's ready for children she can't get pregnant
lemonlimeskull: Classic case of ABORT, RETRY, FAIL.
#909558 +(380)- [X] <@sxh> newest contract requires "presentable" employees
<@sxh> i don't see how they could expect to find a gq model that also happens to assemble network infrastructure
#909427 +(1809)- [X] <@moss> oh jesus
<@moss> its 6 PM
<@moss> not am
<Tiq> XD
<Tiq> What have you missed, moss?
<@moss> uh... wednesday
<Tiq> HAHAHA
#908942 +(207)- [X] <@parasyte> I went straight on to my room, where I expected my nice, big bed. So I opened the door...
<@parasyte> ...and saw my sister riding her fat friend
<@parasyte> My first thought was: "wow, she got tits yet " My second on was: "Wow, he got 'em too"
#908573 +(2069)- [X] <Rainman> god, my head is killing me, must be the maths classes
<Darkduck> you should drink up an aspirine with some vodka and smoke some weed
<Darkduck> that'll definetly take care of it ;)
<Rainman> dude I'm still at school
<Rainman> where the fuck would I get any aspirine ? :o)
#908184 +(8948)- [X] <Twig> I just had an argument with a girl I know. She was saying how it's unfair that if a guy fucks a different girl every week, he's a legend, but if a girl fucks just two guys in a year, she's a slut. So in response I told her that if a key opens lots of locks, then it's a master key. But if a lock is opened by lots of keys, then it's a shitty lock. That shut her up.
#907600 +(-315)- [X] <+ekolis> I remember the IT support guy at school gave this HUGE presentation about laptop batteries
<+ekolis> and how you should not even THINK about using your laptop for a presentation until you make sure the batteries are ok
<+ekolis> because if it blows up and damages all the fancy new projectors...
<+ekolis> then your parents will not be happy
<+ekolis> not just a dead kid, but a huge projector bill too
#907021 +(1491)- [X] <Jesus> a black baby died and went to heaven
<Jesus> and god looked at him and said, "you've earned your wings"
<Jesus> and gave the black baby wings
<Jesus> the black baby look up and said, "am i really an angel now"
<Jesus> and God looked down and said,
<Jesus> "HELL NAW, NIGGA, YOU A BAT"
#907014 +(1043)- [X] Sherri: A man comes home and shouts "Honey! Pack your bags! I just hit the lottery!"
Sherri: She screams "OMG! What should I pack?"
Sherri: He says, "Everything! Get the f*** out!"
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